Neurotic

Jan18

Body failing, no sense of purpose, damned chakras off-balance. All I’ve had is my mind. All I’ve found solace in is knowing my mind is still strong, no matter how weak my body is. I have unfortunately reached the point where I feel like I have lost my mind. It’s the scariest thing ever. I am increasingly paranoid, I feel a sense of hopelessness, I just have an overwhelming feeling of doom, like my world is getting ready to end. I try to think positively, I try to be optimistic, as usual, but it isn’t working.

As I type this, my fingers are growing numb. My pain level has increased so much over this past week that I feel like my organs are starting to shut down. The thought of death used to frighten me, but the moment I knew I was truly beginning to lose my mind was when I suddenly felt like death wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen to me. As traumatic as it would be for my children, I know that they would survive losing me. It breaks my heart to have to say that, but it’s the truth. There are so many things I still feel like I have yet to experience, but mortality just is what it is.

I won’t abandon my family. I had a fleeting thought that they would somehow be better off without my broken body and mind around them, but I know that’s not the case. I do have a very real fear that I am being taken from them, though.

See, it’s one thing to read these articles that mention how depression, anxiety, and mood swings are among many symptoms of chronic inflammation. When you are increasingly faced with such negative thoughts, it is truly unsettling. I constantly juggle feelings of frustration at the limitations of my body, sadness about my decreased quality of life and potentially increased mortality, and anger toward the unknown source of it all. Because this condition is chronic, there is no relief from these emotions. I have positive moments that occur, but the underlying tone within myself is always driven by the constant state of my body.

Nita

Covered

Jun29

I saw him and there was something special in his eyes. He looked at me in a way that was different from everyone else. It was like I was being seen for the very first time. All this time I could only imagine what it would feel like. The feeling of being covered.

He knew what he wanted. He was in touch with his emotions and his spirituality. He was vocal from the start and had no qualms with expressing himself to me. Rather than sit back and play the games that loverboys often play, this man acknowledged the connection between us.

I’ve craved a partner who would be a leader for once, and not just in words alone. A man who stands by his word. One who thinks of me, his Queen, when he develops his master plan. This man adores me – he loves me from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet, from the deepest corners of my heart and soul to my sassy mind. When I think back on the overly confident, extremely detailed list of characteristics that I desired in a life partner which I documented over 20 years ago…well, I find it interesting that I could even fathom what my wants and needs truly were at that point. What’s amazing about that list is that I know that my amour possesses almost all of those qualities – at least the ones that matter the most to me.

See, the Creator knew my heart’s desires, as well as the needs of my soul. The stars have aligned and our paths crossed at the most appropriate time of our lives, when we needed each other the most.

Nita

Hopeless Romantic…

Apr19

…or hopelessly a fool for love?

I often wonder if I am blessed to be the eternal optimist, to seek the light at the end of a neverending tunnel; or, if I am cursed to be foolish enough to still believe that one even exists.

My life’s twists and bends would cause the most sane to lose control; yet, I still dream of unattainable love and am constantly flooded with emotions – those of hope and warmth and euphoric desires.  When I am knocked down by the blinding, deafening blow of a self-scorned lover’s words or conned out of the dream of a lasting marriage, I still seek higher, more stable ground.  Somehow, some way, by the grace of God, I find my footing, pick up the pieces of emotional baggage that are left behind, and I continue on my personal journey to greater, grander, sweeter moments.  Could I be my own worst enemy?  Maybe this perpetual state of looking on the brighter side of the situation, rather than addressing the darkness that is in front of me…maybe that is my problem.

See, when I am down, I feel like my heart is betraying me.  My mind and body feel the effects of unrequited love, yet my heart always finds solace in the joyful adornment of agape love that is just beyond my reach.  Be still, my naive heart.  Why are you always so sure that I’ll recover?  Surely, I won’t be left unscathed.  I mean, my mind often feels tormented, constantly mulling over the details of the demise of yet another relationship or “situation”.  My body reveals the contents of my mind, when I walk around with no energy or wherewithal, due to persistent insomnia and bottled up emotions.  Yet my heart, it’s truly the most resilient part of me.  When others mention how strong I am, I know that my heart is what keeps me together, what pulls me out of whatever funk I’m currently in.

Musings of an Introvert

Dec4

Sometimes, I feel like my life is a grand farce. Lately, I have heard from loved ones and friends that I have become quite the social butterfly, yet it doesn’t seem real to me. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy connecting with those closest to me, my “inner circle”. Honestly, even the concept of having an inner circle is somewhat lost on me. I can appreciate the value in having a tight-knit group of loved ones, but I am not wired to desire such a group.

I wonder why I’m like this. Is it completely absurd to enjoy solitude more than swarming with a flock?

I recall times from my childhood when I opted to skip around solo, rather than run behind that week’s leader of the pack. As an adult, I find myself only feeling like myself when I’m by myself….or with my best friend; which is another topic, altogether.

Back to this introverted life that I live. The irony comes when I am working. I have chosen (or God has given me) a career where I am constantly in direct contact with many people of varying career levels. Somehow, I thrive when it comes to training and speaking to large groups. I seek opportunities to do so!

Still, I often find solace within my own thoughts, while singing alone, even while baking or cooking for my family. Maybe it’s the Pisces in me…I must say that I’m truly one of a kind.

Nita