…or hopelessly a fool for love?
I often wonder if I am blessed to be the eternal optimist, to seek the light at the end of a neverending tunnel; or, if I am cursed to be foolish enough to still believe that one even exists.
My life’s twists and bends would cause the most sane to lose control; yet, I still dream of unattainable love and am constantly flooded with emotions – those of hope and warmth and euphoric desires. When I am knocked down by the blinding, deafening blow of a self-scorned lover’s words or conned out of the dream of a lasting marriage, I still seek higher, more stable ground. Somehow, some way, by the grace of God, I find my footing, pick up the pieces of emotional baggage that are left behind, and I continue on my personal journey to greater, grander, sweeter moments. Could I be my own worst enemy? Maybe this perpetual state of looking on the brighter side of the situation, rather than addressing the darkness that is in front of me…maybe that is my problem.
See, when I am down, I feel like my heart is betraying me. My mind and body feel the effects of unrequited love, yet my heart always finds solace in the joyful adornment of agape love that is just beyond my reach. Be still, my naive heart. Why are you always so sure that I’ll recover? Surely, I won’t be left unscathed. I mean, my mind often feels tormented, constantly mulling over the details of the demise of yet another relationship or “situation”. My body reveals the contents of my mind, when I walk around with no energy or wherewithal, due to persistent insomnia and bottled up emotions. Yet my heart, it’s truly the most resilient part of me. When others mention how strong I am, I know that my heart is what keeps me together, what pulls me out of whatever funk I’m currently in.
Sometimes, I feel like my life is a grand farce. Lately, I have heard from loved ones and friends that I have become quite the social butterfly, yet it doesn’t seem real to me. Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy connecting with those closest to me, my “inner circle”. Honestly, even the concept of having an inner circle is somewhat lost on me. I can appreciate the value in having a tight-knit group of loved ones, but I am not wired to desire such a group.
I wonder why I’m like this. Is it completely absurd to enjoy solitude more than swarming with a flock?
I recall times from my childhood when I opted to skip around solo, rather than run behind that week’s leader of the pack. As an adult, I find myself only feeling like myself when I’m by myself….or with my best friend; which is another topic, altogether.
Back to this introverted life that I live. The irony comes when I am working. I have chosen (or God has given me) a career where I am constantly in direct contact with many people of varying career levels. Somehow, I thrive when it comes to training and speaking to large groups. I seek opportunities to do so!
Still, I often find solace within my own thoughts, while singing alone, even while baking or cooking for my family. Maybe it’s the Pisces in me…I must say that I’m truly one of a kind.
29 NOVEMBER 2015, 02:40 AM
Still awake…don’t want to sleep, for my dreams are always consumed with recollections of your embrace, fond memories of your caress, your lips grazing my skin, ever so softly. I hate how much I love you.
11 APRIL 2015, 08:30 AM
The rest of my life starts today. I am working on improving so many aspects of myself – I am in school, I seek leadership opportunities on the job, I attend mentoring and networking events, in order to expand my professional network, I will sit for my PMP exam this year, heck, I even scheduled consultation appointments to improve my smile. The one area that I have yet to truly commit to improve is my health. Yes, I have dieted off and on, I have purchased various workout tools, DVDs, fitness balls, hand weights, etc. Again, I have never fully committed to improving my health. When I lost some weight, about 9 years ago, I thought I had mastered the art of having the best of both worlds. I used the Weight Watchers point system, allowing myself to continue to eat the fast food that I craved, yet I literally worked out in the gym twice, 6 days a week! That is no way to live. For one thing, I am not able to go to a gym and work out right now, due to time and financial constraints. That’s not the only way to be active, though. Also, I cannot continue to eat fast food for convenience. My health is worth more than that.
Today, I stepped on a scale and it read – 213. Yes, that is my weight today. I have managed to pack on approximately 18 pounds in close to a year. Nothing major has happened, I just continued down a slippery slope of being lazy, inactive, and eating almost whatever I wanted. I have never been comfortable discussing my weight with anyone other than a doctor, yet I have become quite slick at concealing my problem areas in a way that cause many to believe that I weigh at least 20 pounds less than I really do. I’m over that nonsense. I’m at a point where I finally love myself enough to take better care of myself.
It starts today. It starts right now.
Don’t veer toward what’s safe – go after what’s for you, exactly what you have asked for, sought, and prayed for.
Don’t continue committing the crimes of the past, from your former life, the less heightened, less aware, uninspired one.
Leave the old sins behind. They do not define you. You are not them.
You are beautiful. You are cosmic. You are the earth, moon, and sun. King is who you are. Made in God’s image, you are.
Love, I reflect your aura, your essence. Everyone yearns to reside in your presence, yet somehow, by the grace of our heavenly Father, you have seen fit to welcome me, include me, involve me in your world. I am eternally grateful for that. I don’t take it lightly. Next to God, you are truly everything.