Tag Archive | Life

Glutton for Punishment?

Here I go again…

I have been here before, yet this time is different. The tension is unreal. I have set these parameters, these boundaries, in my life; yet, I am my own worse enemy. I set myself up for disappointment by having these undeniable expectations, but you will never get me to admit that they exist. I claim to avoid any lofty expectations without facts to support them. In my experience, to expect is to open the door for disappointment. I am a self-defined eternal optimist, but I have lived and loved enough to know that it is not fair to my heart for me to allow myself to become enraptured in another’s aura, to the point that I lose sight of reality. Still, I sit in this sickly limbo, all by my lonesome. I’m over this bs…



Traveler’s thoughts

As my train coasts on this bumpy ride, so do my thoughts travel on this life that I lead. Am I truly living my life, or is my existence a non-factor? If I died today, what would my legacy be? What would those around me have to say about their experiences of me?

By no means do I feel that someone’s opinion of me defines who I am. If anything, the reverse is true; however, as I have gotten older and wiser, I have learned that one’s perception of you can be used as a tool for self-reflection and subsequent personal development. I’ve been called many things over the years: introvert, anti-social, unapproachable, ‘standoffish’, etc. The underlying theme is that I have a tendency to get lost in my thoughts and shut the world out. While I have realized that my self-worth and enrichment in life is not predicated on the thoughts, opinions, nor the judgment of others, I understand that there is something to be said about constructive criticism. Ironically, one is typically more willing to accept criticism from their colleagues and employers regarding work performance, yet when it comes to our personal lives and any character flaws that we may possess, forget about it.

I’ll be the first to admit that there have been instances throughout my life when I didn’t agree with someone’s psycho-analysis of me, simply because I didn’t want to give that particular individual the satisfaction of believing they had me figured out, encapsulating my personality into one word. I try not to deliberately judge anyone. When I notice that I am inadvertently going down that path, I identify what is happening, try to determine why I feel the need to judge, and check it. It is bad enough that we all have our preconceived notions regarding literally everyone and everything. To project any of that negative energy onto the next person is just unreasonable. To put it simply, it isn’t fair.

My desires have evolved over the past decade. I used to be so focused on fulfilling what I thought was the ultimate destination for a woman – this woman, specifically – marriage, followed by motherhood. Now that I reflect on that way of thinking, it seems so naive and antiquated to me. Motherhood is definitely an attribute to be cherished and taken seriously, because I feel that it is one of, if not the greatest responsibility that one can have. Having been a single mother prior to marriage, I soon aspired to become a wife as a way of completing my purpose in life. In retrospect, with a pending divorce and as a single mother again, I understand that I can be complete and fulfilled, a whole woman, all by myself. I used to say that my children completed me, and then my husband “really” made my household complete. If that were the case, what kind of a life would I have when my children grew up and if my marriage were no more? I thank God for wisdom and insight, via many obstacles, tough decisions, and some rather easy, yet gut-wrenching ones. At this stage of my life, I desire the life experiences that I must create for myself. It is imperative to seek opportunities to generate the memories that will last a lifetime. I enjoy giving my children avenues to explore their creative side, away from the structure and rigidity of school. I enjoy helping others through the work that I do at my job. It actually gives me pleasure to do so. My personal life does leave a lot to be desired, at this very moment, yet there is no sense of expentancy, as in the past. I used to believe that the “pregnant pause” was a good thing. It used to give me something specific to look forward to, a sense of hope. I now feel that is no way to live in the moment. How can I enjoy what is happening today, or even allow my senses to take in this day, if I’m constantly pondering whatever is on the horizon? One thing we know with a certainty – tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone. So why not give yourself a chance to experience today? I have spent my life either making choices to please others or kicking myself and worrying over how others will react to the choices I’ve made along the way. I have made myself ill with guilt and self-deprecating thoughts. Silly me!

I still have short and long-term goals, but I try not to let them consume me. Sometimes this passionate Piscean lets the “dreamer” take over and fantasizes about what could be, but that just breaks the monotony, right?


Desire (Insightful ramblings)

I have been feeling rather desirable, lately, for no earthly reason.

One of the most desirable characteristics that I appreciate in others is ambition.  Who knew that my recent embarkment on a journey of empowering myself to become the best version of “me” through simply making wiser choices – in life, love, health, fitness, and overall wellbeing would make me feel so desirable?  Who knew that entering my mid-thirties would give me a heightened sense of self-awareness and enhance my perspective?

I still love hard, but I refuse to be a sucker for love.  I will always be the eternal optimist, but never again will I be naïve or gullible.  Life has struck me hard over time, yet I have given the final TKO.  My children may say “Wow, momma, really?” when I break into song and dance, on a whim.  I’m just making my greatest attempt at living life to the fullest.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I’m open to whatever is just around the bend.  My desire is to have whatever God has for me.  Yes, it sounds cliché and easy to type, yet how many of us live it?  I’ve had a go of it on my own, to no avail.  I’m referring to life.  I’m all about living the most purposeful life, now.  Leave me to my own devices, full of lustful pleasures and gluttony, and I’ll end up back at square one.  True story.  Life just tastes sweeter now, and I’m so very thankful for the ability to enjoy it.



YOLO ~ You only live once.  Over the past several years, I have heard this phrase and seen it in print, from various songs to weight loss boards.  In my opinion, the line is borderline cheesy…but let’s think about what it really means.

Some may like to use this phrase to justify indulging in all of life’s vices, from mood-altering substances to food to sex.  I prefer to use this statement for good, and not for evil.  Since I’ll only live once, I must make the appropriate improvements in my life, in order to maximize my living.  I want to truly live my life, rather than simply going through the motions, existing.

It is easy to get so wrapped up in our everyday routines that years go by unnoticed, with dreams and desires unfulfilled and your health and wellbeing put on the back burner.  Those days are long gone!

Not only should you live life to the fullest, but live it like your life literally depends on it.  Make more meaningful choices.  Don’t hold back.  Don’t just set goals, but surpass them.  Take chances in life.  Then, relish each moment that you experience.  Savor each delicious second.

I’ve been an emotional eater my entire life, but my body didn’t show the effects of this until after I started having children, in my 20’s.  My mantra this year is ‘Eating Clean in 2013’, so I have chosen to focus on the quality of what I consume.  Regarding the choices I make in my personal life, I have chosen to stop making the art of pleasing others a priority.  This is my life, I only get one, and I don’t want to live with any regrets about my actions.