Tag Archive | Relationships

Drunk in Love or Dumb Love??

Can I be honest?

If I had to dig deep into the corners of my heart and be completely real with myself, I would observe that I’ve only truly loved one man in my life.  On one hand, it’s a pretty depressing observation.  On the other hand, it is enlightening to discover and reflect on how a woman will give so much of herself – her body, her time, her money, her soul – for someone who she doesn’t even really love, in the Godly sense of the word.  Yes, I have cared deeply for others, to the point that I said that I loved them and even thought I meant it, at the time.  I recently realized that my heart has only been completely devoted to one person.  To put it spiritually, love is that selfless expression of unconditionally caring for another without deviation or regard for how idiotic that person can act toward you.

So let’s reflect.  I have experienced three adult relationships, one which resulted in a dead-end marriage.  I won’t even go into that one.  What I will say is that I retain full ownership of the choices that I have made within these relationships.  I wasn’t coerced or force-fed some lies.  I didn’t have “game” ran on me.  I made choices based on what I wanted to do, at the time, and each of those choices had positive and negative consequences.  Did I go into these relationships knowing that they were doomed from the start?  Hell no!  What I did do is make decisions that have adversely impacted my family, to this day.  Thankfully, God will carry you out of whatever muck and mess that you have found yourself in, and he will deliver you back to your God-ordained, predestined place in life, through his ever-present grace and mercy.  Whenever you find yourself in a pit, so deep that there is no noticeable way out, it is time to get on your knees and reach out to the Creator for help.  Works every time…in His time.

Back to the present…  I am intrigued by just how hard I love.  As I stated, to this day I know that I have only had that unconditional love for one man.  My love is strong and real and true and forgiving and passionate and powerful and at times it is hot and spicy, even bittersweet.  It just is.

So here is where the aforementioned question comes into play.  Yes, one can be drunk in love.  I’ve been there and am subject to being there on any given day, currently.  Then again, one could suggest that the notion of being drunk in love is to experience dumb love.  When I feel drunk by the love that I possess, I may accept treatment that I would never accept, in my right mind.  I liken myself to the strongest, most independent woman out there; however, as a woman, there are many layers of me.  I’m not defined by just one facet of my life.  I can be sensitive, sentimental, nurturing, tender-hearted, doting, and affectionate.  These aspects of my personality aren’t exhibited freely.  My children and my closest loved ones are really the only ones who witness this side of me.  To let a man into that inner corridor of my heart, it means the world.  The value of this gift, my heart, is priceless and shouldn’t be taken lightly.  That, right there, is the crux of my devotion, the plight of loving so hard.  It knows no bounds.  It boggles my mind.  I am incapable of being any other way.  Lord knows I’ve tirelessly tried to devote myself to others (see: paragraphs one and two, above), to no avail.

Don’t get me wrong.  This juxtaposition between what my mind would have me do and where my heart lies has not prevented me from walking away from love before.  I pray that I won’t have to do that again, but I would be naïve to assume that.  My life is a true testament to how unpredictable things can be, from one day to the next.  My desire is to love continually, take the good with the bad, be in a respectful, honorable, positive, faithful, memorable, special relationship that is pleasing in the sight of God.  That is my heart’s desire.  I have no qualms about sharing that with others.  It is what I want for everyone, even the object of my affection (truthfully).

How do you feel about this notion of being drunk in love?  I am such a sensible person, typically, but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, I can be a dumbass, no joke.  Maybe this is a necessary aspect of loving so deeply.  Who knows?

Nita

 

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Patience is a Virtue

As I enter another year, God willing, I have been reminded that patience is a virtue.

I have always been an impatient person.  As a child, whenever I tried to rush things along, my father would simply say, “Remember, patience is a virtue.”  That statement frustrated me to no end!  As a mother, I have become quite patient in most situations with my children, with the operative word being most.  I used to be such an impatient driver, but having children in the car with me has nipped that in the bud, and rightfully so.

In relationships, I have been impatient with love.  When I love a man, my love knows no limits.  It is far-reaching, constant, and unconditional.  I can’t turn it on and off; however, I have mentioned that I can stow it away in a box, when necessary.  Here I am, “in my feelings”, as my love interest would say, and I’m finding myself at a loss for words.  Simply put – I’m feeling so very impatient, at the present time.  When I love, I want to proclaim it.

Yet, here I am, being reminded that patience is a virtue.  Lord, bless me with the wisdom to know how to hold my peace, bridle my tongue, and sit tight while You bless me.

Nita

Why are you running?

I am fully aware of how strong and powerful my love is.  It is rich and complex, yet warm and nurturing.  It longs to comfort you.  It begs to surround you.  It only wants to live within you.  So why are you running from my love?

Does it intimidate you?  Does it scare you?  Lord knows that isn’t my intent.  My love simply is.  I just let it be.  I have hidden my love for so many years, that it is refreshing to allow it to speak freely.  Yes, my love has a voice, and it wants to be heard now.  As much as I attempt to mask it, there is no mistaking it.  Is my love’s scream deafening?  Is it hard to comprehend?

Let me decipher it for you.

When I see your name pop up on my phone, my heart skips a beat.  I literally lose my breath, momentarily.  A smile crosses my face, just by the sound of your voice.  Throughout our conversations, I forget about all of my troubles.  There is only me and you.  At the end of our conversations, I must force myself not to express how I feel.  It is always so hard to simply say, ‘bye.’  During my day, I find myself thinking about you, constantly.  I wonder how you are doing, if you are having a good day, whether you are thinking of me, when I will talk to you again.  I daydream about the future that we can have.  The future I want to have – with you.

I understand how hard it is to have so much distance between us.  It is so hard!  Wanting to be in your arms, in any setting, is what I desire.  It is what I need.  For lack of a better phrase, I truly want to be where you are.  To take a page from Sanaa Lathan’s role in Love and Basketball, I have loved you since I was twenty.  The s**t won’t go away.  I have prayed for the feeling to leave me, but it remains.  I have tried my hardest to love another, but that didn’t work, either.  I have lied to myself for far too long, my love.  Deep within my heart, I am certain of one thing – you are the love of my life.  Hands down.  I don’t know how to process this feeling.  I am finally over my denial.  My feelings have been awakened, and I have never been more sure of anything.

I believe that it has been for the best that we haven’t been able to interact in person, recently.  We have been able to get to know each other again, address some concerns, and just be friends.  We have been able to rely on our conversations alone, as a means of communicating, rather than our bodies.  As it stands right now, I don’t know how you feel about me.  I would like to think that I have a good idea, but that is pure speculation.  I don’t want to make any assumptions.  Please don’t run from my love.  I know it can be overwhelming, but it is yours to have and to hold, honey.  Just embrace the love that I possess, and embark on this journey with me.

Yours

Naturally Optimistic ~ Chapter 1

I am truly an eternally optimistic person.  We are all our worst critics, I know, but I must say that I can be optimistic to a fault, at times.

Case in point:  I have some health issues that are limbo now, and I am cautiously prayerful and optimistic that God will get me through this rough patch and all will be well, in the end. ~~~ Praise report:  I have been cleared of the bad report that was pending, and I am so very thankful!!

On the flip side, I am kicking myself for being optimistic about a relationship that died long ago, due to immaturity and lack of focus on both our parts.  Why?  Well, that’s where the hopeless romantic in me comes into play.

You see, I am not only your run of the mill, glass half-full optimist.  I am a hopelessly, hopeless romantic.  Did I say hopeless?  I have been blessed with this innate quality (since I was a very young girl) of loving the unlovable, missing the unworthy, and trusting the sketchy.

Now that I’m full-grown, I have been blessed with wisdom and patience, among other qualities.  In hindsight, I wonder if one of the reasons why my last two relationships were unsuccessful is because of the secret that I hold deep in the pit of my heart.  I have found myself telling a girlfriend that I haven’t truly experienced love, at least not in the appropriate sense of the word.  I now know that, as dysfunctional as it was at the time, I have been loved and felt love for a man, only once.  I have uttered those three little words to several, but I am certain that I have only felt it once.  Of course, I have crushed on a few, been infatuated on occasion, and even lusted after one or two.  True love, though, is few and far between. 

Am I really saying this?  Even though it has taken me a whole week to finalize this post, I must admit that full disclosure comes so easy when you can hide behind a computer monitor.  Now, ask me if I am ready to admit this to my lover??  Not quite.

To be continued…

Nita