*Note: this post was drafted on January 22, 2013; yet, it is still very relevant to my life today. I’m at a time in my life that I am all about full disclosure, so here it is.
I am writing this letter to prevent me from calling you, incessantly. I can’t shake off how I feel about you. My mood literally ignites whenever you call, and I am constantly looking forward to speaking with you. To quote one of my favorite love stories (Darius Lovehall from “Love Jones”), “Let me tell you something. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That’s urgent like a (mofo).”*
The word “love” can sound so cliché and trivial. It is not so much the word itself that holds power, but the emotion and actions behind it. It is one thing to love another, but it is an entirely different thing to have chemistry with someone.
We have chemistry. Period. I have never and I’m not sure I will ever have chemistry such as this with another man. We sense each other’s emotions, we are constantly aware of each other’s hidden desires, we just gravitate toward each other. In the past, there was a co-dependency that was unhealthy, but now, well I don’t know about now. Is this attraction that we share simply out of convenience and being on the rebound? Only time will tell if that is the case. I hope that our friendship isn’t superficial. I deeply enjoy all of our conversations, and you make me laugh to no end. At my current maturity level, I can appreciate that we have our own separate lives, without an ounce of jealousy or a need to be clingy or possessive.
You have a way of masking your feelings in a way that I am sure is a defense mechanism for your heart. I can truly understand that. I have been let down and disappointed enough, yet I am a true daredevil when it comes to my heart. I love, plain and simple. There is no switch that I turn on or off. The funny thing about it is that I have always compared men to you. You were my first true love. Yes, I thought I knew love before I met you, but it was more like puppy love or simple infatuation. You will never know how gut-wrenching it was for me to leave your side. I wanted to stay there, in the trenches, with you while you grew into the man that I knew you could be. In retrospect, I know that none of the growth would have occurred as it has, if I stayed there to cloud your judgment. We were always so focused on each other that it was nearly impossible to get ahead. You know the saying, ‘can’t see the forest for the trees.’ It was just like that. In the midst of our personal struggles, our individual growth had to happen just like that, individually.
I want you to know that my love for you never wavered. While both of us were involved with others, I thought of you. When I gave birth to my sons, I wondered what it would have been like to have your son. I have never told anyone that. I want to have the courage to share my innermost thoughts with you, as you have with me. Those fleeting thoughts that still resonate deep within me. Isn’t that an oxymoron? The thoughts always seem fleeting, but I find myself reflecting on them at times like this. I have never let myself dwell on how I feel about you. I haven’t wanted to admit it, not even to myself. Funny how we can lie to everyone else, but we can never really lie to ourselves.
So here’s where I stand. I am all in. So much so that it scares me and brings me to tears. That night, when you told me how you were feeling when you were here in August, I was so full of emotion that I didn’t know what to do with myself. You haven’t been that candid with me in a long time. So many thoughts have swirled in my mind since then. I have forced myself to maintain a sense of normalcy with you, even though I want to shout out loud how I feel. When I close my eyes, I think of how it would be if you were here. I just wonder what it would be like. When all of the BS was going on between us, in the past, our relationship never had the chance to really grow into what it could have been. I’m sure everything happened just how it was supposed to. I am here now, though. And I’m not going anywhere. I’m tired of allowing a replacement to stand where you should be. No more seat-fillers, honey. I want you to rest assured that I am solely focused on getting everything “right” in my home, for me and the kids. I am fully prepared to ride out this long-distance love affair, or whatever we want to call it. How about this? Let’s not call it anything. It is what it is. We know what it is, you and I. It is what it always should have been but never had the chance to be. Us.
This love that I feel is not only new and fresh, but it is deep and fulfilling. I am sure you aren’t aware of this, but I feel the love in your voice. Yes, you may try to be all incognito about it, but I know. The eternally optimistic side of me says that this is our chance, our shot at loving each other the way that both of us need and deserve to be loved. We have talked about wanting to be in a long-lasting relationship. I don’t know about you, but I yearn for real companionship. Yes, I can appreciate and respect that we both have our own activities that we are involved in, but I don’t want us to simply coexist. I want you to be a part of my world as I want to be a part of yours. I have wants and desires regarding how I want to live with my partner. I want to travel. I want to have a date night. I want my children to witness a loving relationship in the home. I want to not only have a house but a home. I want to grow with you. There have been men who thought that they knew me, but I know that you are the only man who really knows me. Yes, a tremendous amount of time has passed, but there is no limit to what we can have and for how long. The possibilities are endless. I know that there is no glass ceiling on my love. It does not and will not cap out over time. True enough, there will be peaks and valleys in our relationship, but we have overcome so many obstacles that there is nothing too difficult for us to withstand. Especially when we have each other.
If it isn’t clear yet, I love you. I love you from the pits of my soul and every ounce of my being. You consume my thoughts and my emotions are wrapped up in when you will call, how you sound over the phone, wondering if you are thinking of me like I think of you. When I talk to you, I find myself sitting with a smile on my face the entire time. Can you hear it in my voice? I feel like a young girl when I talk to you, just giddy and all fluttery inside.
Now, let’s touch on the physical connection that we share. There are so many facets of my love for you that I don’t want to minimize the way I feel about you by focusing on the physical part, but it is definitely there. It is a major component of our chemistry. When you shared with me how you wanted to hold me in your arms and kiss me on several occasions while you were here, I was melting on the inside. I know I have said this a number of times, but it has truly been far too long. In the early years of our relationship, I loved how you would look into my eyes when we would make love. There is nothing like it, and I haven’t experienced it since then. There was always something about the way that you would look at me. When I was younger, it intimidated me. I didn’t know how to process it. Maybe I was unable to do so. Now that I’m grown, well baby, I’m fully ready and prepared for all that you have to offer. I am more confident in my own capabilities. I am a woman with her own qualities to bring to the table. I’m the same La Nita that you knew back then, just more seasoned. I am still able to embrace change and adapt to my surroundings, yet I am secure in myself. I have beliefs and standards that are unwavering, yet I am open-minded enough to listen to new ideas. I am ready to embrace your thoughts, wants, and needs. In fact, I welcome them. I welcome you, into my home, my mind, my heart, and my body. I want you to stake your claim on me, entirely. I want to belong to you. I want you to trust me with your heart and not be apprehensive about loving me, fully. Due to the walls that we built around our hearts in the past and mistakes that we made along the way, it was hard to trust one another. I want to finally trust a man. I have never done that. Now that I am taking time to learn about myself and what makes me tick, I want you to know that I want to trust you. I want you to be the man that I finally give all of myself to and not just the bits and pieces that I feel comfortable giving away.
Let’s get back to that physical chemistry. I have no desire to venture elsewhere. Deep down inside, you know that I am yours. You own me – all of me. All that I ask is that you always consider me. I know that we have mutual love and respect. That covers a lot. With that being said, please consider me when you go through your day. No, I don’t mean that you should obsess about me. What I mean is that I want you to think twice before doing something that would be disrespectful, and I will do the same. I want you to think of us when you think of your future.
Did I ever mention how much I love your sense of humor? You make me lighten up, which is needed, as you know. You help me to see the bright side to everything. We are very good at lifting each other’s spirits. I thank you for that. I mean, it is one thing to laugh at someone’s jokes, just because that is expected of you. It is a different thing altogether when you encounter someone who genuinely makes you laugh and laugh and laugh, until you have tears in your eyes. I smile when I talk to you, and that isn’t very normal for me.
I love how you challenge my mind. We can talk about all current events, spirituality, sports, and politics. I know I’m a spitfire, but you don’t allow me to talk to you any kind of way. Whenever you call me out for speaking to you in a way you don’t approve, it entices me. It attracts me to you even more. It’s what I need. Just as I am a woman who demands respect, I can truly appreciate a man who does the same. We disrespected each other on so many different levels in the past that it is refreshing to have a newfound respect for you. I respect you as a man of God, and also as my man. When I say that I love you, it is not only the love that I had for you in the past, but it is also a renewed love, full of respect, loyalty, and devotion to you and only you. I want you to be the last man that I tell ‘I love you’.
Alas, here we are, just over 6 weeks away from being reunited, and I don’t feel like we have covered much ground. There is still an extreme fear of the unknown coming from your end, and rightfully so; however, I know that our love is worth the risk and we just have to step out on a limb and let nature run its course. Love is as love does, in my opinion. I would rather take the risk of loving and losing than hold onto my love and always wonder how things could have been. Ultimately, I will express myself to you, in as tactful a way as I can manage. I pray that my love is well-received, meaning that I pray that you feel the same way. Love unrequited is one hard pill to swallow. My heart says that even your fear won’t prevent us from being together, but my mind knows that the impossible is quite possible, indeed. I find myself emitting an exhale, as I type today. It is so hard to feel so strongly and not be able to release my emotions to the one they are directed toward. I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know that, even if your response is that you are unsure or the distance makes it hard or whatever, I just need you to be honest about how you feel. No, it hasn’t been too long since we were together. No, there isn’t too much distance between us. No, it isn’t too complicated. Most definitely, no, I am not on the rebound, not at all. So many no’s that you can possibly throw my way, and yet there are so many yeses. Yes, our love will withstand any adversity that may come our way. Yes, it has been a long while, but how sweet this renewed love can and will be. Yes, I adore you and will not let you go this time. Yes, I will wait while you wrap up loose ends there and make your way here. I am willing and so ready to go the long haul with you. I just need you to let me know that you are all in. I need you to admit to me that you want me to be the one you come home to. Yes, I need to hear you say it. I need to know that I make you happy, that I put a smile on your face. I just need to know.
*I try my best not to use profanity, when possible. Obviously, Darius Lovehall didn’t say mofo in that line…