Can I be honest?
If I had to dig deep into the corners of my heart and be completely real with myself, I would observe that I’ve only truly loved one man in my life. On one hand, it’s a pretty depressing observation. On the other hand, it is enlightening to discover and reflect on how a woman will give so much of herself – her body, her time, her money, her soul – for someone who she doesn’t even really love, in the Godly sense of the word. Yes, I have cared deeply for others, to the point that I said that I loved them and even thought I meant it, at the time. I recently realized that my heart has only been completely devoted to one person. To put it spiritually, love is that selfless expression of unconditionally caring for another without deviation or regard for how idiotic that person can act toward you.
So let’s reflect. I have experienced three adult relationships, one which resulted in a dead-end marriage. I won’t even go into that one. What I will say is that I retain full ownership of the choices that I have made within these relationships. I wasn’t coerced or force-fed some lies. I didn’t have “game” ran on me. I made choices based on what I wanted to do, at the time, and each of those choices had positive and negative consequences. Did I go into these relationships knowing that they were doomed from the start? Hell no! What I did do is make decisions that have adversely impacted my family, to this day. Thankfully, God will carry you out of whatever muck and mess that you have found yourself in, and he will deliver you back to your God-ordained, predestined place in life, through his ever-present grace and mercy. Whenever you find yourself in a pit, so deep that there is no noticeable way out, it is time to get on your knees and reach out to the Creator for help. Works every time…in His time.
Back to the present… I am intrigued by just how hard I love. As I stated, to this day I know that I have only had that unconditional love for one man. My love is strong and real and true and forgiving and passionate and powerful and at times it is hot and spicy, even bittersweet. It just is.
So here is where the aforementioned question comes into play. Yes, one can be drunk in love. I’ve been there and am subject to being there on any given day, currently. Then again, one could suggest that the notion of being drunk in love is to experience dumb love. When I feel drunk by the love that I possess, I may accept treatment that I would never accept, in my right mind. I liken myself to the strongest, most independent woman out there; however, as a woman, there are many layers of me. I’m not defined by just one facet of my life. I can be sensitive, sentimental, nurturing, tender-hearted, doting, and affectionate. These aspects of my personality aren’t exhibited freely. My children and my closest loved ones are really the only ones who witness this side of me. To let a man into that inner corridor of my heart, it means the world. The value of this gift, my heart, is priceless and shouldn’t be taken lightly. That, right there, is the crux of my devotion, the plight of loving so hard. It knows no bounds. It boggles my mind. I am incapable of being any other way. Lord knows I’ve tirelessly tried to devote myself to others (see: paragraphs one and two, above), to no avail.
Don’t get me wrong. This juxtaposition between what my mind would have me do and where my heart lies has not prevented me from walking away from love before. I pray that I won’t have to do that again, but I would be naïve to assume that. My life is a true testament to how unpredictable things can be, from one day to the next. My desire is to love continually, take the good with the bad, be in a respectful, honorable, positive, faithful, memorable, special relationship that is pleasing in the sight of God. That is my heart’s desire. I have no qualms about sharing that with others. It is what I want for everyone, even the object of my affection (truthfully).
How do you feel about this notion of being drunk in love? I am such a sensible person, typically, but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, I can be a dumbass, no joke. Maybe this is a necessary aspect of loving so deeply. Who knows?